


Space inside

by chiridotalaevis



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, Insecurity, M/M, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:48:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21782458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiridotalaevis/pseuds/chiridotalaevis
Summary: Dan and Phil Massive Pizza Mukbang, 28:30"Do you ever feel like you don't have a personality?""What?""Ok, scratch that, next conversation."
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 20
Kudos: 127





	Space inside

**Author's Note:**

> Dan saying this was the first time I realized that I'm not the only one who experiences this. It shook me, because I've never been able to explain it to anybody, but I suddenly felt heard. This is the result of me processing this for over a year.
> 
> Thank you to @ahappydnp for being a wonderful and supportive beta and for validating my feelings from a scientific point of view. I really appreciate it.

The whole charger situation just never made sense to Phil. No matter how many chargers they had strategically placed in different rooms, when his phone was just about to run out, he could never find a charger. He for sure remembered that he had one plugged next to his nightstand in the bedroom, so that is why he burst into the bedroom and caught Dan standing in his pants in front of the mirror and staring at himself.

It wasn’t that rare of an occurrence to find Dan looking in the mirror. Dan cared about his looks. It took him ages to pick out clothing, he sometimes spent hours making sure his hair looked exactly the way he wanted it to, and those couple of times when Dan tried out make up, it took him no less than an hour to settle on the eyeshadow color he was going with.

But right now Dan didn’t look like he was deciding anything. He was looking at himself in the mirror with an expression that Phil didn’t see often these days: fear. Of course, as his partner, Phil knew that sometimes Dan had trouble with seeing himself in a positive light. While in the grip of self hate or doubt, he would often turn his aggression towards himself, throwing around words like “ugly” (a word that Phil learned to translate to what Dan actually meant, which was worthless). Years of bullying and feeling like you are created wrong definitely did not leave Dan scarless, and sometimes those demons came out to torture him one last time.

“You ok there, bub?” Phil asked carefully. He walked around to Dan and, to his horror saw, that there was a tear running down Dan’s face.

Dan let out a quiet shuddered breath, like he was trying to hold himself together. Sometimes Phil wished Dan came with an instruction manual. Because as much as he loved him, as much as he knew him in an out, sometimes he just could not understand what was going on in his partners head, no matter how hard he tried. Sometimes just a hug would make Dan feel better, and sometimes even the most harmless comment could send him spiralling. Accepting that there were parts of Dan that Phil had no knowledge of was hard, but probably necessary. And even after accepting it, he sometimes desperately wished he could just understand what was going on so he could help. Because he would do anything to help.

So instead he just stood there, next to Dan, waiting for some instruction.

Finally, after a long pause Dan turned to Phil and said: “I don’t know who this person is.”

If not for the tone of Dan’s voice, Phil would probably laugh. He would make a joke about an alien abduction or Dan being a clone, or say something corny along the lines of “this is someone I really want to bang” or something like that. But Dan’s voice was so painful and so scared, that Phil knew that this was serious. That Dan was serious about it. And it made no sense. He wanted to ask “Dan what the hell do you mean this is you, you’ve been you for your entire life”, but he bit his tongue and just laced his hand through Dan’s in a show of silent support.

Sometimes saying less is more, especially when you have no clue what to say.

“I don’t know who this is, Phil” said Dan with even more desperation in his voice.

“Dan, it’s you”. Phil felt like this is the wrong thing to say, because surely Dan _knew_ it was him. What kind of an obvious answer was that? But he honestly just didn’t know what else to say.

Apparently, he was right and it was the wrong thing to say. The single tear on Dan’s cheek immediately was joined by several others and he let out a shaky breath.

“Phil, I don’t know who I am,” Dan said through his tears.

A part of Phil wanted to laugh in disbelief. This has been a joke Dan has said so many times. A “relatable existential crisis” Dan has talked about in videos and tweeted about constantly. Something that became part of his brand, just like the sarcastic humor and black clothing. So sometimes it was hard for Phil to remember that Dan wasn’t pretending. He wasn’t just saying these things. Sometimes, he actually meant them. And Phil had no idea what to say. Because it was something Phil just could not understand. What does that even mean? Not knowing who you are? Phil knew who he was. He was Phil, a person, a youtuber, a son, a partner. He was clumsy and smart and loved sweets and just existed. It was impossible for Phil to imagine how someone can doubt that.

But the obvious pain Dan was in showed Phil that Dan was actually in real doubt.

Once again Phil wished for set of instructions. He felt like he was failing his partner, who was obviously in pain. Oh what wouldn’t Phil do to stop Dan’s tears. So he did the only thing he could think of, which was pull Dan to his chest and hug him.

“I don’t understand, Dan, I’m really sorry,” Phil whispered in his ear. “I love you though, I really really do.”

He could feel Dan shake against his chest, “I feel like I don’t exist.”

“But you do, you do exist, Dan, you’re right here!” Phil mumbled pulling him even closer.

“I don’t know if I do, Phil. I don’t know if I exist.” Dan replied with another shuddering breath, pressing his wet face into the crook of Phil’s neck. “How can you be sure of it? I feel like I’m just pretending all the time, it’s just masks and there’s nothing inside. What if there’s nothing inside?” He could feel Dan shake again, more tears soaking into Phil’s shirt.

“I know Dan. I know you. I know you exist and I love you.” Phil muttered desperately. “I love you, I promise you, you exist, I can feel it.” He hugged Dan even tighter to his chest, as though hoping that he can squeeze Dan’s doubts away.

“Are you sure, Phil?” Dan’s voice was still teary and quiet, but to Phil’s enormous relief, he could feel a quiet note of hope in it.

“Dan, I’ve known you for years. I know you, the real you, even if you don’t. I know you and I love you. I promise, you wouldn’t be able to fool me. Just believe me, you’re there. You’re there and you’re amazing.”

“You promise?” Dan’s voice sounded like a child at that moment. He lifted his face and looked at Phil, eyes red and wet, with snot coming out of his nose and his hair in total disarray.

Sometimes looking at Dan like this made Phil’s entire soul clench with love. This is why he couldn’t understand what Dan was talking about. Because this was Dan. His Dan. His real, warm, soft Dan, who felt things so hard that could cry for hours about being scared of not existing. Who unironically doubted everything about himself and the world. Who’s emotions were so raw and so real, that Phil could just not understand how Dan could imagine them not to be. Dan was looking at him with so much hope, as though Phil had all the answers in the world, as though even if Dan couldn’t trust himself, he would believe Phil.

“I promise, Dan.” Phil felt overwhelmed with that trust. He pressed soft kisses all over Dan’s face, wiping his tears. “I love you Dan, the real you, I promise”.

They stood in front of the mirror for a couple more minutes, Dan half naked and crying, and Phil in his pajamas, trying his hardest to comfort him.

“Sorry,” Dan mumbled after a pause. “Sorry for being dramatic, it’s stupid.”

Classic Dan. After any moment of vulnerability he always had the instinct to downplay his emotions.

“Shut up Dan, it’s not stupid,” Phil replied, keeping his voice light and joking. If Dan needed to retreat a bit, put some barriers up, Phil wasn’t going to stop him. Even though he doesn’t understand why it hurts, Phil can definitely understand the feeling of vulnerability that comes afterwards. He squeezed him in a hug one more time and let go.

“I’m fucking freezing,” Dan mumbled moving away from Phil and automatically threading his hands through his hair, trying to tame it back into something presentable.

“Of course you’re freezing, you naked weirdo,” Phil replied. He walked over to their closet and pulled out a pair of his fluffiest warmest pajamas. “Here, put this on,” he said, throwing them at Dan.

“I have my own clothing, thank you very much,” said Dan sarcastically. Phil just chuckled, because with all the indignation in his voice, Dan was obediently pulling on Phil’s fluffy pajamas. “Also aren’t you supposed to like me naked?” Dan asked, buttoning up the pajama shirt.

“I like you naked when you’re not a human popsicle,” Phil replied. “C’mon, let's go have some tea”. Just as he was saying it, the phone in his pocket let out an angry vibration, reminding Phil of why he came into the bedroom in the first place. He started rummaging through his nightstand for the charger, only to see it wasn’t there.

“Dan, have you seen my charger?” he asked, as Dan was was pulling on some socks.

“Oh my god Phil, have you lost your charger again?! Why did you even take it from here, I got you a charger for the living room last week! Phil! What the hell! Just stop taking the chargers, you idiot, what the fuck?”

Even though Dan’s voice was frustrated and his frustration was clearly directed at Phil, Phil couldn’t help but feel relief. Something that has been clenched in his chest relaxed and his face stretched into a smile.

This Dan he knew how to talk to. This was his shrieking, passionate, (slightly overdramatic if you ask Phil, he only lost his charger once or twice. Or maybe like ten times, no need to get so worked up) Dan.

“It was right here! I swear I didn’t take it! It must have run away!”

“Yes, Phil, the charger ran away, of course it did” Dan replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He reached into his own nightstand and pulled out his own iphone cord. “Here, you spork, but don’t you dare lose this one, I’ll fucking end you.”

Dan thrust the tangled up wires at Phil and stomped out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. Phil could hear him putting the kettle on. Maybe it was time for some hot chocolate, Phil wondered. He was sure Dan probably had a bag of marshmallows hidden somewhere, besides the bag that Phil found last week.

He walked out of the bedroom with the phone and the charger to join Dan.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please tell me what you think!
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr](https://quercussp.tumblr.com/) or click [here](https://quercussp.tumblr.com/post/189650715237/space-inside) to reblog.


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